Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Complaint letters

I've not updated this blog in, oooooo, quite a long time, but I have been requested to make public a couple of complaint letters I have written recently. Nothing is quite as satisfying as ripping out some cerebral abuse. On the other hand, I have not received any response from these.

The first letter is to Vic Roads who do everything within the powers of the law to aggravate normally quiet and docile human beings.

"To whom it may concern

I am writing to congratulate your traffic light sequencing department on the magnificent job they are doing along the stretch of St George's Road running from Murray Road in Preston to Separation St in Northcote. I have been driving on Victoria's roads for well on 18 years now and never, in all my life, have I come across a stretch of road that continually sets new lows in effective traffic movement.

Please, let me set the scene. It's 4.45pm on a Sunday afternoon, and, as I am a masochist, I have chosen to subject myself to driving south on the nightmare that is St George's Road. So, I stop at the red light at Murray Road. No problem, after living in the area for 10 years, I've come to expect these lights to be red whenever I approach them. Beyond this intersection I can see a sea of green traffic lights taunting me with their lustrous beacons of freedom all the way to Bell Street and beyond.

So, as I pull away from Murray Road what should happen next? Oh, the lights at Cramer Street have suddenly denied myself, and the 10 other cars traveling with me, passage south. A single vehicle had tripped the sensors on Cramer Street...yes, a single car, a 1985 Ford Laser too which to be honest, shouldn't be allowed on the roads anyway. So, as the Laser turns down St George's Road in front of me and the 10 other cars, I can see it obtain green light after green light as it disappears over the horizon.

Meanwhile, the 10 other cars waiting with me has swelled to maybe 15 now as we wait, yet again, at Bell Street. Again, a sea of green is taunting me in the distance, which the beat up old Laser encountered earlier seems to be blessed with. As the lights turn green at Bell Street, I can see the green lights of Oakover Road, egging me on, tempting me with its brilliance, but yet again, we are teased, and another red light ensues. So far, it's been 4 reds from 4. An awesome strike rate!

It would seem to me that the traffic light sequencing thus far observed has been calculated using a sub 3 second 0-100kph acceleration time. I don't know about you, but I only know of a couple of cars that can accelerate like that, like the Bugatti Veyron. Do you have a Bugatti Veyron? I don't have a Bugatti Veyron.

So, from Oakover Road we are blessed with red lights at Miller Street, Normanby Road and Separation Street. All in all, a 100% strike rate! Top marks, well done. Elephant stamp for you. I calculated that all these traffic lights added 7 minutes and 20 seconds to my journey, which does not include slowing down or accelerating. So, 7 Minutes and 20 seconds might not seem like alot of time to you, in fact, knowing how quickly VicRoads operates, it's probably the same amount of time it takes for your hearts to take a single beat, however, for the rest of us, it's a long time.

There is someone in that hideous high rise that is responsible for traffic light sequencing, who is probably paid far more than what I am, to do a job that, let's face it, a mathematics graduate from Open University could do far more effectively for far less money. I've driven on your roads for 18 years. In those 18 years I've probably paid you nearly $10,000 in 'registration costs'. I'm sure, if you paid someone $10,000 to do a job, you'd expect them to complete it to the highest standard possible. But as mentioned previously, your 'High Standards' would be hard for even an ant to limbo under. For $10,000 I could get a new bathroom, and the plumber would probably do a far better job at programming traffic lights too. Have you got a new bathroom? I don't have a new bathroom.

As I mentioned previously, I have lived in the area for 10 years, and the number of times I have subjected myself to this ridiculous stretch of road is difficult to calculate. So, for the sake of argument, say I drive along this road twice a week, so in a year that's 104 times, in 10 years, that's 1040 times! Multiply that my 7 minutes and 20 seconds and you end up with 127 hours I have been waiting at red traffic lights along St George's Road. Whoa, that's a long time now isn't it? I'm not even counting going north bound either, which I shall write about another time.

So, what I have done is prepared an invoice for you for $3,429.00 + GST based on my pay scales from the past 10 years for due compensation of my time waiting at your hopelessly inept traffic light sequencing. You can choose to pay it, or, more likely, use it to blow your noses on, or wipe your bums with, or whatever else it is you do to waste your time in that hideous high rise building in Kew.

I'm more than certain, that if you respond, you'll regale me with endless sentences of empty management speak explaining that you "set high standards in road and traffic management ensuring the effective transportation of millions of Victorians everyday". Well, not this Victorian I'm sorry. Your 'high standards' are just what one would expect from a government run monopoly."


...and here is another letter I wrote in response to the abysmal sound quality currently afflicting Hoyts Northland:

Hi there. I'm writing to inform you of the abysmal sound quality that is currently being produced from your cinemas at Northland. My wife and I thought it would be a nice idea to go to the movies on Saturday night and chose to see Red in Cinema 2. After forking out what is now becoming a not inconsiderable sum of money, we were treated to a fairly lame, and lets face it, pretty limp wristed cinema experience. I can quite categorically state that I get higher quality sound from the 5.1 set-up in my lounge, and maybe even from the asthmatic old tube TV in my spare room.

I don't know who sets the level of sound at your cinemas at Northland, but maybe you might want to check and see if they have super powers such as super hearing, which us mere mortals do not, unfortunately, possess. Furthermore, this is not the first time this has happened. I recall not long ago trying to enjoy a movie at Northland but the sound from the movie was being drowned out by someone whispering 10 rows away. I went to find an usher who came in to the cinema, checked the sound, shrugged her shoulders, and walked out. Maybe she possesses this famed super hearing? Is this a pre-requisite for employment at Hoyts??

Anyway, please look into this matter because at the moment I'm thinking I should just wait for movies to come out on DVD or Foxtel, because at least then I'll know I'll actually be able to hear all the dialogue without needing to invest in some sort of high end hearing aide."