Questions and Answers.....

Well, I'm on holidays now, 1 week into a 2 week break. To be honest, it hasn't really felt like it. Christmas is great and seeing all family and friends is awesome, but the week has just flown by. What I thought I would do is paste in one of those Q&A thingies. I lifted this one from my cousin-in-law's myspace page (thanks!) although I would like to point out that myspace is sooooo 2006! (so get with it!) What is your middle name? Which one?? What color is your mailbox? Silver Are you single? No Have you ever hit a deer? I've never felt the need. Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? Depends where I am coming from. What color is your room? Bright silver. Do you have a small driveway? It's not how big it is..... Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you? No What do you do first in the morning? Fart. What brand is your printer? I don't own one Do you enjoy fighting with people? no Is your hair naturally straight or curly? One needs hair to answer this question. Who was your kindergarten teacher? Mrs Hartnor What is your ringtone? Ready, Steady, GO! Are you taller than your mom? I hope so! What curse word do you say the most when your pissed? I don't swear, I am a god fearing nice boy. Are you God? That would imply that God is a person, as opposed to a deity, so no, I am not God. Do you like someone? NO, I hate all people. What sort of question is that?? Do you enjoy writing in colored pens? no, I'm not a 14 year old girl. Does anything hurt on your body right now? The hump growing out of my back. Do you often cry during a movie? ONly if Miss R jabs me hard enough in the ribs. Last phone call you received? Mum Last text message? Mr Caffeine relaying details about a BBQ tomorrow night. Do you hate your life? No Do you get mad easily? No What is your biggest pet peeve? Waiting for people. Are you cold? It's 38 degrees in the shade. No, I am not cold. Do any of your friends have kids? Yes. Do you know anyone that is pregnant right now? Yes. Who should pay on the first date? The person who asks. How many years older than you are you willing to date? Nobody older than my mum. Yuk. Do you have any friends? Could you imagine the kind of person that would say no to this question?? Do you have any mean friends? Only past tense. What is the ugliest color to wear in your opinion? Silver jump suits. Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate? Yes. Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously? Only jokingly. Have you ever contemplated suicide? How selfish. Do you scratch your ears? NO, I have earscratchaphobia Who was the last person to hug you? Miss R What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now? Kenji How tall are you? 178cms What is the closest green object? My eyes. Awwww, how disgusting. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents name you? Pussy Galore. Do you want to have kids? No. What is the brightest color you're wearing? White. Who is the friend you have that you would never have expected to have? Every one of them. Who do you hate the most right now? The kid who rides his trial bike backwards and forwards through the park. What a genius! Or the person who set up the traffic light sequence down St George's Road. Another genius. What kind of car do you want? Aston Martin V8 Vantage What is your favorite video game? Singstar. Do you like your dad? Yes. Do you have any TV shows on DVD? Yes. Are you wearing make-up? Not very likely. Do you have a tattoo? No. Have you ever broken a pinata? No. What time is it right now? 10.05pm Do you know how to draw? NO, I can't even write. I am illiterate. Who loves orange soda? My dog unfortunately. Who did you last IM? I don't IM. Do you work a lot of hours? Please define 'alot'. 40-45 hours a week. Where were you in the last 24 hours? Home, Ringwood, Mt Dandenong, Thomastown, my car, planet earth, under a rock, On top of Mt everest...you know, the usual. Who was the last person that called you? Haven't I answered this before?? Do you know where your family name originated from? Some would say planet Zod, but it's actually Dutch. Is there an animal that creeps you out? Centipedes. What is your favorite color ON A CAR? Well, bronze yellow I suppose. Do you use digital or film cameras? Both. Do you own an iPod? No, not a fully fledged one, just a shuffle. Have you ever been on a charter bus? Yes. Do you like going to water parks? Not overly, no.

Reservoir is not just a suburb but a lifestyle option.....

As I have mentioned on numerous occasions, I live in the Melbourne suburb of Reservoir. When I mention this fact to people they either look at me in abject disgust or horror or respect me out of fear that I will break into their houses and rob them. Whatever. Reservoir isn't the shithole many people make it out to be. I swear there are places in South Yarra that are far uglier with far less savoury people about. To the casual observer however, there are a few nuances of the suburb that one has to negotiate to really fit on like: 1: Spaghetti Junction. Somewhere in the inner reaches of some genius' brain lay the reasoning behind a 7 way intersection with a train line and station smack bang in the middle if it. This intersection effectively splits the suburb in two. You think I'm joking, but just look at the aerial photo to prove it. I mean, seriously, if you don't jag a traffic light sequence it can take up to 20 minutes just to get from one side of the railway line to the other. It is easier to park and walk across. Luckily we don't need to cross it all that often because of.... 2: The Two Sides of the Tracks. The railway line splits the suburb in two. I have only ever ventured to the 'other side' when desperate for some thai take away...which they didn't have. The 'other side' is a scary place, full of $2 shops and lebanese greengrocers and there is NO car parking. This is probably the reason there are so many boarded up shops there, although the "Broadway Bingo Hall" does tempt me from time to time. 3: Cars. If you don't own a VL Commodore/Calais, skyline, Silvia, turbo ANYTHING, or V8 you really don't fit in. Looks like I don't fit in. 4: Coles: Don't shop at Reservoir Coles. They won't have what you want and their checkout queues stretch down the frozen food aisle. Just drive to the Preston Safeway and experience the difference. 5: Edwardes Lake: The lake is awesome. A jewel in the crown of the northern burbs. I did however find out that it was drained 2 years ago and stank out every house in a 5km radius. Hopefully they won't be doing that anytime soon. 6: Furniture. No, I don't go peeking into people's loungerooms to see what lounge suites they own, you only have to see them dumped on their front lawns or nature strips. Oh yes, if you need any free lounge furniture, a quick trawl of the streets will soon have your house full of quality, second hand couches and three legged coffee tables. Tops.

Money saving tips.....

Maybe it was my upbringing under Dutch parentage or my years living on $50 a week as student, but along the way I have picked up some ideas that can save a bit of money here and there. 1: Do number twos at work. You use their toilet paper, not yours and they get cleaners in to clean the toilets which you don't. It's a win-win. 2: Buy petrol on Tuesday night. You have to be a fricken idiot if you don't do this. Seriously. If petrol goes up $0.15 a litre on Wednesday, that's an extra $7.50 on a 50 litre tank. 3: Cut the excess rubbish off fruit and vegetables before you buy them. For example, the stalks on broccoli or the shitty crap at the end of celery. You're not going to eat it so why pay for it? 4: ALDI: If only for the ridiculously low priced top quality chocolate and booze you can buy there. The only down side is that Aldi shuts at 6pm SHARP, so be able to get there after hours is a bit of a hassle, and on the weekends it's every man, or woman, for themselves. 5: Do your shopping in less well-to-do areas. It's a known fact that Camberwell Safeway is easily 10% dearer than Preston Safeway. That's just the way it is. 6: Buy home brand. If you can't get to Aldi, then buy the supermarket home brand stuff. Especially for staple items like sugar, flour, salt etc. Honestly, sugar is sugar, no 30% brand mark-up is going to tell me otherwise. At the end of the week, these things may only save you $20, but it's still $20.

Christmas and all that....

'Tis the season and all that. Christmas in Australia is, of course, in the middle of Summer. Yet, we still cling to the notion of a European christmas with roast turkey and ham, even if it is 40 degrees in the shade. We don't care. Suffice to say that Miss R and I have been braving the christmas shopping experience over the weekend. The wonderful mecca of north suburban consumerism, Northland (or norflans mate), really comes into its own...especially its hideously designed car park system which hits grid lock at the mere smell of anything with an internal combustion engine. Luckily we got there at 11am and scored not just any car park, but THE car park. This was handy due to Miss R's ankle still not being in tip top condition, although the limp did manage to help her fit in with all the other freaks that frequent the place. Anyway, not only her feet were killing her, but mine weren't in such tip top shape either. And it's tiring isn't it?? And is it all worth it? Why is it so hard to pick presents for people you have known all your life? All we all really want to do is eat enough food that could feed an African family for year and blob out watching Ray Martin host carols by candlelight. Oh bless.

Best and Worst TV 2007

Well, it seems like every newspaper and magazine has got their best and worst 2007 lists coming out, so I thought I would do my own best and worst of TV for this year. I love TV, I'm not ashamed to admit it. Big deal. Worst 5: 1. Search for the Next Pussycat Doll: Miss R secretly punished me for what, I'm not entirely sure, and had me sit through an episode of this. The following week I availed myself to the spare room and decided that clipping my toe nails was more enjoyable. 2. Today Tonight/ACA: Like a car crash, one can never get enough human misery. I am always on the look out now for dodgy lebanese mechanics selling obese kids drugs outside of school. Quality. 3. Neighbors: Too many characters, too many plots intertwined with confusing, and lets face it, totally unrealistic sub plots. From what I can gather now, all 30 characters live in three houses. 4. The Vault: If it didn't have a lottery permit it would be a total scam. They make up a question and an answer and then rig it so it takes 60 minutes for someone to get it right. One also has to question the intellect of people who are watching TV at that hour and are watching this crap to boot. 5. AFL Grand Final: For all the satisfaction of seeing Port Adelaide get thumped, it just didn't live up to hype and now I can never get those 3 hours of life back. Dishonourable mentions to: America's Next Top Model, Australia's Next Top Model, Australian Idol Best 5. 1. Top Gear. Without doubt the beacon of light that SBS have so kindly brought this outstanding TV show to Australian shores to educate the masses on how TV should be made. Honest, well filmed, funny. 2. Thank God You're Here: Total rip off from the Drew Carey hosted Whose Line Is It Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's great to see theatre sports on TV. How funny was it huh? 3. Big Brother: Everyone else thought it was boring. I didn't. I secretly got home and flicked on channel 10 every night, watched Friday night Live and everything. I got sucked in. Big deal. 4. Mythbusters: Again, SBS did a great job to bring this to our shores. I don't care that they're repeats, you just want to see that cement truck full of C4 explosive get detonated one more time. I'm such a boy. 5. Californication: There is nothing so satisying than shocking the moral majority, and my bet is CHannel 10's switchboard lit up like a preverbial christmas tree when this show went to air. The acting and storylines are top notch. The portrayal of a man's decent into the moral abyss couldn't be more realistic. It's just the most honest account of everyday life out there. Well, I think so anyway. There are far too many shows to mention, so here is a list: Chasers War on Everything, Red Bull Air Race, House, Biggest Loser, can't think of anymore, but no doubt I will edit this in the near future.

Jimi Hendrix

My first ever post I mentioned as to why I labelled this blog stone free. One of the reasons was because I am a big fan of Jimi Hendrix. Yes, even in this day and age, 37 years after he died, how good is his music?? Seriously, just listen to it. It's kinda funny in a way, like when I was in high school, and I'm sure many of my friends would attest, I was listening to Jimi on my old Sony walkman (I still have the original cassette!) where everyone else was listening to Metallica and Guns 'n Roses. Nothing wrong with Metallica and GnR either, fricken awesome stuff. But for some reason, Jimi has been with me throughout time. The imagary of his lyrics and the way he just made the guitar sound cannot be emulated. And so it goes that there is a big budget bio-pic being penned about his life. I'm stoked that finally this is going to happen. From what I can gather this has taken some time to occur due to legal stuff that seem far too complex to even scrape the surface on. A couple of big names have been touted to play the man himself, but if it were up to me it would be Andre 3000. He looks like Jimi and can even play the axe as well. I have heard that Lenny Kravitz has been banded around, but I think Lenny is getting a bit old now, I mean Jimi died when he was 27, not 42 (or whatever age Lenny is now). Mind you, I saw Lenny in concert and it was probably the closest thing I would get to seeing Jimi live.....without all the guitar burning business going on.

Guns and god.

I'm sitting here watching the news and there has been two shootings in America, both at churches. The story has gone on to say that at one of the places, the shooter was taken down by a church security guard. Okay, does anyone see anything wrong with this picture yet?? Firstly, I was under the impression that the American churchy nutbags believed in peace and love and the whole 'what would jesus do' thing. Personally, I don't have any issue with Jesus, but for some reason I don't think he would be the kind of person to pull out an AK-47 and start mowing his disciples down. Secondly, you have to really question why a church needs a security guard, yet alone an armed security guard. Are these people living in fear? I thought religion was meant to free you from fear...the whole "Though I may walk through the valley of death.." all that kind of thing. Are people not happy with Jesus now? Are their prayers not getting answered? Are they now wanting to get back at their fellow parishioners? Hate to break it to you people, but Jesus is not going to stop a 7.62mm bullet, only a kevlar vest can do that. Yes, I am judging these people, and their closed mindedness can sometimes just stagger belief, but anyway, if they're happy, well, I can't argue with that.

Of sisters and Zen.

I am very very excited because my dear sister is coming over from London this week. Unfortunately I have to work right up until the 21st or whatever it is, but I'm hoping I can spend a bit of time with her while she's here. Miss R and I had pencilled in the 8th December as our wedding day, and it came and went and the weather was just beautiful. Luckily though my sis didn't cancel her flight and chose to come over anyway. I'm glad of that at least, and I know she is too. There is something many of you out there might not have expected me to do. I have completed a Landmark Forum. My guess is that many people think it's a cult or a money spinning operation in bullshit, and to an extent, I can see how people can come to that conclusion. I know there were a few moments when I did, but then you kinda think well, they are a business, like any other business, and they need to survive just like the 7/11 on the corner with their ridiculous 50% mark-up on bog rolls. If they needed more business than what they get then they could quite easily book a spot on "Mornings With Kerri-Anne" or whatever and get queues of people pouring in. Anyway, what did it do for me? Well, other than combatting 3 days of sleep deprivation because you can't sleep, it was actually very enlightening. Very zen if you will. I won't beat around the bush, it can get very confronting, especially when people get up and speak about their pasts and you sit there and think "shit, actually, my life aint so bad" and you have to confront certain people in your life. I confronted alot of stuff about my schooling and how terrible it was for me as a little boy like I was. But what happened has happened, and all one can do is move on from that and not let it effect your future.

I swear to god our little whippet is turning into a little freakin monster. Here is a breakdown of what this little ADHD dog has accomplished over the past week: - Rip up an entire New Idea magazine/JB HI Fi Catalogue/TV Guide/other general reading material and leave it strewn over the backyard. - Rip apart a foam dog bed and leave foam strewn all over the back yard. - Rip the arm off a teddy-bear and leave stuffing strewn all over the back yard. - Dig a crater sized excavation right in the middle of the lawn. - Ignore us totally and not come inside from the park when called. - Roll her head in the most digusting tan brown dog turd she could find. - Pull over the kitchen bin in the middle of the night and pull out ALL the rubbish she could find and leave strewn all over the kitchen/lounge/backyard. Needless to say, she has lost her off-leash rights for a few days until she calms the hell down. I don't know what has gotten into her. She used to be so placid and calm, but now she is a certified nut case. Poor Merlin the greyhound doesn't know what to do most of the time. He just stands there and watches as she goes absolutely nuts. We made up some home made dog food last week out of mince, eggs, rice and vegies which was awesome, and they both loved it, but I'm starting to think that it blew her blood sugar count through the roof. All those carbs! We have run out of it now, so it will interesting to see if she calms down again as a result. I'm hoping so as the backyard looks like a fricken war zone. Maybe we should invest in some weapons grade Bach's Rescue Remedy to bring her buzz down a bit.

The human body is crap part II

Considering the state of Miss R's ankle at the moment, I thought it would be pertinant of me to elaborate on my own unfortunate ankles. I was born with club feet. There, I said it. Now let me explain what effect that has had on my life. From what I can understand, I had an operation when I was about 6 months old to rectify the problem. Obviously, it was either that, or spend the first 12 years of my life in calipers. The operation involved the removal of the shortened muscle tissue of my calves, as well as numerous tendons and other stuff. The result? Well, yes, my feet do kinda lay flat now, I can wear normal shoes, walk, run and jump etc but I have a very limited range of motion in my ankles. The other thing is I have not the nicest looking legs in the world. More to the point, they look like little sticks. I don't care, really, never have. Once people see the scars on my feet they tend to understand. I sprain my ankles at least once a month, probably more. Just muscles though, not ligaments, which goes away after a couple of days. But I went to a GP when I was about 20 years old to get to bottom as to why I was spraining my ankles all the time as I got sick of it. So I had some x-rays taken, at which point the GP said something along the lines of "ummmm, I've never seen this before. Ummm, looks like your bones have fused together. I can't help you I'm sorry." So I went back to the surgeon who operated on me. He said that he could do another operation whereby my feet would lay even flatter, but it wouldn't alter it very drasticially. So I didn't bother. So I live with it, and move on. What else can I do? If my parents had elected to go the caliper route, I would have quite normal looking legs by now I dare say, but at what cost of wearing calipers for 12 years?? Oh the bullying would've been monumental! I have only ever seen one other person who had obviously had the same operation. She was at the old gym I used to go to, and you could tell just by looking at her legs that something was amiss. However, and this is what touched me greatly, she had gone and got tattoos all over her calves as if to say "screw it, this is who I am." Good on you.

The human body is crap.

Well, poor Miss R is lying on the couch in front of the telly at home. I can't write an in depth reason as to why, but in short she has seriously damaged her ankle. It all happened last night when she was playing with the dogs in the backyard. All of a sudden I hear this thump and a scream. I run out to see what's wrong and she was in absolute agony. I'm sure everyone else in the neighborhood heard this as well. I have a feeling that there is some serious ligament or tendon damage that is not going to fix itself in any great hurry. I'm only saying this because Miss R is under the impression that, as I have mentioned before, I am a medical doctor. Oh my god the poor thing. Looks like we will have to resort to crutches after a trip to the doctor and possibly some x-rays. She had to end up sleeping on the couch with the dogs as there was no way she was going to get up the stairs to the bedroom. And you can imagine the quality of sleep she got as a result. A couple of Panadeine Fortes didn't help either. It got me thinking though. What if I get hit by a car whilst riding my bike to or from work? I only have like 8 days sick leave a year, so what would happen if I was out of action for like 6 months? How could we survive?? Maybe I should look into getting income protection insurance or something like that. Or maybe just sue the arse off whoever hits me. I am seriously of the opinion that the more expensive your car, the more you don't give a shit about anyone else on the road. Unless of course they are those old men who drive big old Kingswoods at 20kph in either the right, or left hand lane, or even both.

Do we all have OCD?

Owning two dogs who are free to come and go in and out of the house when they please has a couple of disadvantages. The one big one is that fact that they manage to bring in with them all sorts of crap under their paws. Grass cuttings, mud, fluff, hair, it's all there. Our couches also have duck feather stuffing which comes out between the weave and you end up with duck feathers all over the floors as well. The problem is I have one 'thing', and that 'thing' is maintaining a clean floor and dust free horizontal surfaces. Our floors are both tiled and have floating floor boards so even the smallest piece of dust shows up. It's a daily battle. If we had carpet maybe it wouldn't be so obvious, but as it is, I can't relax unless I pull out the vacuum cleaner and/or the mop and maintain the floor up to "House and Garden" magazine standard. Where does this kind of behaviour come from? I don't think I have any 'issues' stemming from dirty floors as a child, at least I don't think so. It is very nice having clean floors though. Then there is the dusty furniture. As soon as the dust is removed from the dining room table, it's back. If it wasn't done every second day then we'd soon have the amazon rainforest growing directly from the inch thick layer of dust. Where does it come from? Why do other people's houses always look so 'dust free'??

Summer is for sadists

As I have mentioned previously, I am not a fan of summer. Today proved my point. I stood outside, supervising trucks being loaded with contaminated soil. Normally I wouldn't mind doing something like this, however, today's temp got to 37C. Pretty horrible I have to say and I'm fricken exhausted as a result. So what kind of story did they run on tonight's news? Oh, how wonderful it was to be down at the beach and some absolute genius saying "Oh the beach is much cooler than sitting at home in the heat." Now, I used to live in Perth. Some of Australia's best beaches are in Perth, even though I'm not a beachy person. However, if someone told me that it was cooler down at the beach than sitting at home I would've seriously questioned their intelligence. Come on, I think I once saw the sand literally turn to glass one day it was so freekin hot. No, I am quite happy sitting at home on the couch in the air conditioning watching telly on days like this. The other funny thing is that the weather has just suddenly furnaced up. All last week the temp was a lovely 20C-24C. Very nice. But like it just goes bugger it and cranks it up to 37C! No in between, no nice get yourselves used to the heat gradual temp rise. When it gets this hot it reminds of how hot it can get which is something you forget over the winter.

Those who can't....

As mentioned previously I used to be a Primary School teacher. I did this job for 7 years, which in today's day and age is a fair acheivement. I had, pretty much, an iron clad job for life and I could've stayed in that position until the reaper came calling. As far as jobs go, it doesn't sound all that bad, especially with 12 weeks holiday a year and I was normally home by 4:45 in the afternoon. But it was what happened between 0830 and 1630 every working day that just wore me out and squeezed my life energy to below that of single celled amoeba. My first few years I was a classroom teacher. I had 25 young minds to help shape and send forth upon the world. All my old students would likely still remember me and I'm probably glad that I have had some influence on these young people's lives. You could probably say that these were my 'happy teaching' years. I have to admit, I did enjoy classroom teaching. Kids were always full of questions and when you see that lightbulb go on in their heads it gave me a real sense of satisfaction. Then I went to England and taught there. I'm not dissing the romantic idea of teaching in another country and soaking in its atmosphere, but I never met a happy teacher over there. You can read countless ads in newspapers calling for teachers to teach in the UK with these big pay cheques, which is great but they fail to mention that even though you might be earning quite a decent amount of cash, you end up spending it just through the cost of living alone. And then there are the kids. Badly behaved kids in Australia don't even come close to what I came across in England. The fact that I ended up crying on my way to work one day says it all really. I came back to Australia and took up my teaching post again, but honestly, the spark had gone. I was just going through the motions really I think. Then I took up the physical education position which was okay, but it just accelerated my fed-up-ness. teaching PE had its moments. But they became fewer and farther between, and the weather just got either hotter, windier, wetter or colder. My fatigue just got worse and I would get home and sleep for 12-14 hours a night. And the workload just didn't let up. My lunchtimes were taken up with sport training, any spare time I had was taken up with admin stuff, try-outs, getting equipment ready for lessons and so on to the detriment of actual proper lesson and curriculum planning. It's funny because I dropped in on the school last week and everyone there is dead jealous of the fact that I got out. I'm (apparently) looking much happier and relaxed. And my present boss doesn't believe me when I say that my current job is far less stressful than teaching.

A day in the life.....

I haven't really talked much about what I do for a living, so I thought I would give some insight into what it is I do that helps pay the mortgage. I work in the contaminated land industry. I assess land and groundwater for contamination and ensure that it is fit for human habitation. All well and good, and it's probably a good thing that this industry has come to light as I have seen some pretty horrendous stuff. Service stations are the primary problem, especially old ones. People don't know this, but have you ever stopped to wonder why there are so many abandoned service stations around? It's because alot of them have corroded underground tanks and have leaked all sorts of nasties over the course of decades. So the big petroleum companies just leave the problem alone and write off the land rather than spend millions of dollars cleaning it up. By far the worst one I have seen was when I was out supervising some soil sampling when the excavator dug into what can only be described as a hidden oil dump. All this black ooze just started flowing into the pit and it stank, by god, all I could smell for days after that was oil. Then there are the clients to deal with. It's not our fault that there is contamination on their land, but they make out that it is. But we have a job to do and it's not something you want to sweep under the carpet. If a future resident contracts cancer, and it is somehow attributed to the soil, then it could cost alot more than the $10,000 soil clean up bill. Some clients are great though, and are happy to do what it takes. I spend most of my time in the office writing reports now, but I do get out and do field work occasionally. But we have juniors now who do the grunt work. The amount of work around is simply staggering and at the start of the year we had three people working at the firm, now we have seven. If the director wanted to, it would be easy enough to expand even further I would think. It's a good job and I enjoy it, more than I could say from when I was a primary school teacher, which I shall talk about another time.

track time!!

Well, it was about time we took Cleo to a trial track and see what this whippet is made of. We took both dogs down as it would be good to see how Merlin reacts to being on a race track again. Merlin got his chance first. It was just amazing and I'm still left a little bit speechless. He had no hesitation at all at going into the starting box. Looking at him from the front, his head was down and you could see that all his switches were 'on'. The Lure went past and the box opened and holy cow..... Look, he has had a run around in the paddock, and a couple of times at the off leash park, but nothing could prepare me for this flat out sprint that he just pulled out of nowhere. He covered the first 100m in 6.7sec and the 200m in 12.3sec (nearly 60kph) We didn't want to have him go flat out as we were scared that he would hurt himself. But seeing him go around the track was simply awesome. Needless to say he was wrecked afterwards and hasn't stood up since we got home. As for Cleo, well, she got a chance to have a run against a deer hound. For those of you unfamiliar with the breed, a deerhound is like a greyhound except even bigger and much hairier. The lure went past and well, Cleo, bless her, didn't know what to do. She kind of chased the deerhound for a bit, then she though that she would have more of a chance of catching the lure if she turned around and got it coming the other way. Too smart for her own good if you ask me. But the guy running the track reckons that she'll come good. We'll be training her up a bit more next year.

The world is full of Brain Surgeons!

I'm only writing this now as I have had a good few days to cool down from the absurdity of some people's logic. This promises to be my most scathing post yet. So hold on to your seats peoples this will be epic. Let's set the scene shall we? Miss R's parent's place is set on about 5 acres of land. Not a great deal in the scheme of things out in the country. They have a rudimentary fence around some rudimentary paddocks, but then they don't have any animals to fence in so why bother. They do however have one paddock that we worked out we could let the dogs loose in without fear of them escaping. Next to this paddock are the neighbours. These people have upwards of 200 acres and numerous paddocks at their disposal. Logic to these people dictate that they live in what amounts to a lean-to against an old caravan 50m from Miss R's parent's house which was there some 7 years before these brainless dickheads turned up. Anyway, these morons decided to choose to put 3 donkeys and 5 horses in the paddock next to the one where we have been letting the dogs off. Needlesss to say, neither Merlin nor Cleo had seen these animals before and barked their collective arses off towards these animals through the fence. I would like to re-iterate here that these dickheads have 200 acres to choose from. So they bark a bit, and the donkeys stand their ground and whatever. No-one's getting hurt, but we chose to take the dogs away anyway. Then Mr Moron pipes up over the fence saying how you can't trust dogs, they'll get through the fence and find a way to get through. Mrs Moron chimes in saying how great their donkeys are and they will make a mess of our dogs if they get through. Then Mr Moron takes it upon himself to throw a SHOVEL AT MY DOG. Well, that was it thank you Mr Shovel Chucker. He just laughed it off saying how the dogs should see him as the baddy now. Excuse me? I think you're a fucking moron myself. Then Mrs Moron pipes in again with this, and I quote: "What if those dogs spooked these horses while my kids are in the paddock with them??" OH MY GOD! The world is going to end!!! The sky is falling the sky is falling!!!!! Okay, let's use some simple mathematics to gauge how likely this event will occur: Fraction of time dogs outside: 1 hour in 24 which equals 0.042 Fraction of time your shitty kids are in the paddock with the horses: 10 minutes in 24 hours: 0.007 0.042 X 0.007 = 0.0003 or a 3 in 10,000 chance of such an event happening!! Holy shit!! If you read one of my previous posts about risk assessment you actually have more of a chance of dying from eating 3 tablespoons of peanut butter! Oh my God, wrap your kids in cotton wool and send them to the pillow farm love. This crazy woman then proceeded to lambaste us about our dogs and how dare we have them blah blah blah. Again, I would like to re-iterate that they have 200 ACRES TO CHOOSE FROM!!! Here is a point by point summary of how much WE have had to put with from these brain surgeons: 1: THEIR stupid dog standing on our porch barking its head off at 6am. Did we complain? NO. 2: Their sheep getting out and eating all the rose bushes. Did we complain? NO. 3: Their stupid horses reaching over the fence and continuing to eat more of the roses. Did we complain? No. 4: Mr fucking rocket scientist riding his quad bike past our bedroom window CONTINUOUSLY from 6am. Did we complain? No. 5: Their stupid fricken kids staring into our loungroom window at all hours of the day. Again, I would like to point out that they have 200 acres to play in, and yet they chose to play metres away from us. Did we complain? NO. And yet they had the audacity to bitch and moan to us about our dogs barking at their stupid freakin animals!! Oh the humanity! It's such a shame I can't order a tactical air strike on their stupid lean-to. The satisfaction I would get from seeing footage like those pin point air strikes in Iraq where the bomb goes down the chimney, would be simply staggering. If you know these people, please kick them in the head, you'll be doing a community service quite frankly.

Someone turned the heating down.....

This weekend we are staying down in the country. It's great, really it is, although I don't think I could permanently do it. Thing is where we are staying is a mere 50km from the most southerly point on the Australian mainland. The views are spectacular. On the down side we just received the highest amount of rain in a 24 hour period since 2003. When I mean rain, I'm talking heavy, incessant rain that just kept going and going. This I wouldn't mind so much as we've been in drought for 10 years or so and every little bit helps, however, when you've got two dogs who sit at the back window and whinge and whine that they can't go outside, that makes it a little less enthralling. The temp didn't get above 10 degrees and it's nearly summer! The other bad thing is that the wood pile to keep the heater going was sadly depleted, so I have had to go all manly and start swinging the wood splitter around. I think much to Miss R's disappointment there was no shirt off action going on either, not in this weather anyway.

a weekend in the country

Currently Miss R and I and the dogs are down at her parent's holiday house in south gippsland. It truly is a lovely place to be with a fantastic view of Wilson's Prom and Bass Strait. This is the first time we have brought the dogs here and it is probably the first time that Merlin has has any free time off the lead. He really is fast, I'm talking 2nd fastest accelerating land animal fast. For such a large animal it is a sight to behold. Little Cleo tries to get away from him thinking no other dog can keep up with her....and she's sadly mistaken. The down side is that Cleo has found a way to get through the fence by turning her body sideways. Now this is both fascinating and really fricken annoying. The fact she persisted and got through is testament to a whippet's intelligence, but if she gets out and into the neighbors sheep paddock, well, there's no telling what she'll do. Today is Saturday as well and I have taken to buying a Tattslotto ticket every week. I never win of course, only a couple of 6th divisions. But there's that period of time after I go to bed on Saturday night until checking my numbers on Sunday morning where I dream about winning the big one. Right now I'm in that zone. Who knows, you could be reading the blog of a millionaire right now....but more than likely you're not.

Hooray, I finally figured out what was wrong with the blog template uploading, so now I have my old 3 column one back which, unless you have a widescreen 17" monitor like I have, probably looks quite crap, which probably means you should start thinking about upgrading from that 15" CRT monitor ha ha. I'm not sure if I have pointed this out yet but Miss R is a vegetarian. She has been one for 8 years or so now. She still eats eggs and dairy, so she is far from a strict vegan, with the exception of not wearing leather. Anyway, prior to Miss R my diet would consist primarily of a pot full of Chicken Tikka Masala that I would cook up on Monday night and would see me through to Friday. Easy, and fricken cheap. However, obviously this has been modified a little and my vegetarian dish repetoire has expanded greatly. It's no big deal, but from my experience vegetarian dishes take three times as long to cook as simply frying a steak and chucking some vegies on the side. So now I find myself familiar with lentil and chickpea soaking, non rennet cheeses and gelatine free ice creams. Not that i mind terribly much. Miss R insists that i eat meat when i want it. Which brings me onto a group of people I like to call the neo-hippies. I call them neo-hippies as they are a group of people evolved from the original hippy. Most of the time they're female, they're vegetarians, they study arts, ride shitty bikes and wear big blue crocheted beanies to hide the hair they haven't cut, or washed, in 5 years, and can somehow afford rents in the inner city suburbs. All together they're harmless, but they are starting to shit me somewhat in the fact that they ride their shitty bikes at 2kph and block up the bike lanes. I'm not a bike nazi, not like some Lance Armstrong wannabees, but come on, put a bit of effort into those pedals girls, honestly.

Is there something more???

Despite my relative apathy that I convey towards organised religion, I should point out that that does not mean that I am not spiritual. I don't need some fuddy duddy reading from some book that was written when humankind was still struggling with settled farming practices to tell me how to live my life. The world has moved on sorry to say. In light of this I should point out that I am a trained tarot reader. In fact I've been reading cards for a good 15 years now I guess. However, something I thought about today is that I haven't done a reading for, well, I don't remember when. Maybe it is something that I have grown out of, maybe I just don't feel like I need to know what is going on around me or what the future has in store because I pretty happy in the here and now. But it really was amazing how the cards revealed things, something that simple 'chance' couldn't account for. By that I mean doing the same readings for a friend for instance with the same cards popping up over and over again. Yes, I am sure there are skeptics out there, big deal.

Of dogs and sunshine.

Greyhounds aren't supposed to be terribly violent dogs, especially to humans. And Merlin, bless him, is the dopiest lounge lizard on earth. However, an insight into his racing past became apparent last week when he became absolutely fixated on a Jack Russell/Corgi cross. I should mention that this dog is small and is suffering a major case of small man syndrome. His owners who are clearly not brain surgeons, let him out to roam to his hearts content in the park. NO problem except that he wants to fight every male dog including, and not limited to Bull Mastifs, American Staffies and Rhodesian Ridgebacks, all of whom cower at the site of this little shit of a dog. This obviously encourages a very bad vibe in the off leash park and many owners are now reluctant to bring their dogs because of this little abomination. So, with that in mind, Merlin is a greyhound. Bred to chase down anything small and fluffy that moves quickly. And you can see him watching small maltese terriers running or cats or whatever catches his eye. So last week Cleo was off leash and Merlin was on leash (as he has to be) and Cleo was tormenting this little turd of a dog because she is so much faster. Cleo ran past Merlin with turd in pursuit at which point Merlin lunged forward, grabbed this dog by the neck and literally threw him into the fence. I won't lie, I had a little sense of satisfaction that this little turd was put back in his place, but thank goodness I had a hold of Merlin as that dog would've been torn to sheds. Suffice to say that when the turd now sees Merlin he legs it home. Good. For the past three weeks my body clock has been pretty much gone onto daylight savings mode. I suspect it was the fact that I was waking up at 0530 with sunlight streaming in the bedroom window and getting sleepy at around 2130 at night. And the thing is, when I say awake, I really mean AWAKE. It is frustrating as I have found that I am the kind of person whose brain starts ticking over at a million miles an hour in antipation of the day ahead. As a result I am physically incapable of sleeping in. Meanwhile, Miss R is quite happy and capable of sleeping well into double digit territory. So now, finally, the rest of Melbourne is in time with me and I'm not tired, not at all. In the past, losing an hour would put my entire body clock out of whack and it took a good 3 weeks to get it back in check. But not this year. Is it a sign of aging? Am I going to end up as a pensioner whose bedtime is after the evening news and wakes up in time to watch dodgy telemarketing?? Quite possibly. Anyway, all this daylight at the end of the day means I can walk the dogs in the light without either of them freaking out over a fire hydrant they think is a pit bull terrier staring them down in fading light.

What the hell is going on with blogger? I'm pretty much over waiting for them to fix my problems uploading a template. I could do it like a couple weeks ago, so what has changed? I had a great 3 column set up that filled the whole screen, but right now I'm stuck with this generic crappy one. Yesterday my sister turned 30 years of age. Problem is she is in the UK, as she has been for the last 8 years or so. Sometimes I really wish she was over here as I get really jealous of the fact that Miss R gets to see her sister all of the time. Which is fine, but if my illustrious sister was living in Melbourne again, that would be really really nice.

Well, since my experience last week on my old clunker bike, I had to resort to driving to and from work, which wasn't so bad as I was working at a site pretty close to home anyway. I should mention that the old clunker was performing quite admirably until about 1km from home when the back tyre blew. I mean, the tyres are likely to be somewhere in the vicinity of 10 years old now, so it was only a matter of time I guess. So I semi-rode home on a flat tyre, which was not pleasant and made worse by the head wind from hell. So, on the weekend I bit the bullet and ventured out to some bicycle shops and see about purchasing a new set of wheels. I really needed to get this bike on Interest free, or else it was likely that Miss R and I wouldn't be able to eat for the rest of the month. I went to one bike shop that was so busy, that I wandered around, looking like a customer in need of some help for a good 15 minutes. No sales assistants came to assist me and to be honest, their range was pretty shit. So I left. I then ventured out to a BICYCLE SUPERSTORE and lets be frank here, it was fricken immense. I found a couple of bikes that I liked, but alas, they couldn't do interest free payment plans, only Lay-by and to honest, I needed the bike there and then. Anyway, next day, I dragged Miss R to another well known medium sized bike shop. They had a range of good quality bikes at quite good (actually, pretty awesome) prices. I settled on what is now known as a flat-bar road bike. Basically it's like a road bike, but with straight handlebars like a Mountain Bike. I was impressed by the carbon fibre forks and seat post, the insanely large crank gearing and the overall look of the thing. Miss R convinced me to get it cash there and then and not to worry about interest free payment plans and shit. Suffice to say, Miss R and I will be resorting to 2-minute noodles this month. MMmm, yum. Anyway, I rode it to work for the first time this morning and it is amazing what a difference a good bike makes. I mean, the mountain bike I had been using was a pretty bloody good bike, but this thing simply flies. In other news, summer is on the way and it got to like 34 degrees or something like that yesterday. I'm not a big fan of summer at all. It gets far too hot to sleep or do much else. I'm looking at getting air con installed in the bedroom. We have it downstairs in the lounge, but that's no good for when it comes time to go to bed. I think I only got 2 hours sleep last night, the rest was just a sweat fest.

Bicycles

It just so happens that the bike I have been using for the past 6 months to travel to and from work I had loaned off a very good friend. He needed it back so I took it back to him of course. Suffice to say that I had to then resurrect my old clunker for the ride into work today. Holy shit man, it really is amazing what a difference a bike makes. My legs were HURTING within 10 minutes from leaving home and then the seat post decided to collapse on me, so in the end I just thought screw it, I'm driving. I don't know what would have been worse in the end. Like I have mentioned countless times, driving to work, and home again, is the absolute bain of my life. It's funny actually, in the city there is the brand new BHP-Billiton office complex. Right next door is the QV apartment complex which also contains a gym and a Safeway supermarket. Imagine if you lived at QV and worked at BHP? Quite honestly you would never leave your little area. All your needs are met right there and you wouldn't waste 2 hours a day stuck in fricken traffic. On the downside, you wouldn't have a backyard. Bummer.

Sorry folks....

I'm having some issues with my blog template so I have had to resort to using a generic blogger template until I can get this sorted. Last night, being Saturday night, I ventured to the other side of the city with Miss R and her sister Miss J to see a movie (it was Death at a Funeral actually, okay for a bit of a laugh). It's amazing how one feels out of place when taken out of their element. The south side of Melbourne is quite different to the north I have to say. Down south it's all designer jeans and white trainers, whereas up north here it's more tea cosy beanies and vegetarians. I have to say too, much less grief. Walked past a guy who had had his nose broken in a fight. Honestly, some guys need to grow up. I took the dogs to a local deserted velodrome to let them both off the leash. It was great to a point. Good old Merlin got to stretch his legs probably for the first time since his last race in February, and boy did he. Cleo ran off and Merlin took chase but couldn't exactly keep his footing over rough ground, but he did get that familiar greyhound gait happening some a good sprint. The only down side was that Cleo decided to be petulant and not let me put her collar on. Suffice to say, she went to the vet the next day and got de-sexed. Well, actually, we had had her booked in for 2 weeks.

Wouldn't you know it, school holidays have finished and with it has come a vast increase in the volume of traffic on the roads during rush hour. I say this because I had to drive to work today as I had to use my car for a job. I categorically hate driving to work, and back home again. However, all this would be solved if bloody Vic Roads managed to synchronise their traffic light sequencing. Take for example St George's Road. It's a duel carriageway road with a tramline running up the middle of it. Quite a major road I'm sure you would agree. However, there are countless intersections along this way and every time one traffic light goes green the next one goes red. And this repeats itself along most of its length. Why can't some genius at Vic Roads sequence the lights so when one goes green, the next light goes green a minute or so AFTER the light before? How hard can it be?? Honestly, there's no good reason for it. And to make matters worse, the roads that cross over are piddly little neighborhood roads and ALL of St George's Road has to come for a stop for one piss ant car. Just stupid.

Greyhounds are pretty fricken large.

well, we've got another dog. Yes, it's a greyhound. Can I just say that when you see these dogs racing on TV, they look like ordinary sized dogs. However, nothing can prepare you for the sheer size of these dogs when you see one up close. Our boy, Merlin, stand 75cm at the shoulders and is 110cm long without the tail. He's huge, no two ways about it. Poor thing has been in the adoption kennels since March and to be honest, isn't in that great a condition. However, he is very very affectionate and is terribly loyal already. He quite happily follows me or Miss R around the house with little Cleo trying to lick his face the whole time. They are both black and look like twins, except he's like twice the size. His racing career was far from stellar; 32 race starts for 2 wins. I even read that the poor thing had a massive collision at a race meet in Tasmania. Yes, he really got around attending race meets in Victoria, Tassie and NSW. He's just a big friendly giant really. I can't wait until we're confident in letting him off the leash with little Cleo. She seriously wants to play with him ALL the time and it will be good once they can have a good run together. Poor Cleo goes in to be de-sexed on Friday. I hope she'll be okay.

Melbourne my town....

I have been wondering lately about what makes this city of Melbourne so bloody great. For those of you who haven't been here, it's a pretty generic city as far as cities go. There is a CBD with tall buildings and out from it spread the inevitable suburbs. Office workers populate the CBD during the week of course. Suits and ties, especially around Collins St where the stockbrokers all are and around William St where all the lawyers are. The inner suburbs are a mix of old industrial areas, new apartment complexes and old Victorian era cottages. Very tre chic I suppose. The western suburbs still comprise of warehouses and factories. Real estate is terribly undervalued here, especially considering you are only 5km from the city. The south and eastern suburbs are, and always have been, quite exclusive...with the exception of Richmond, which in my opinion is a claustrophobic hell hole where you can never find a car park and traffic barely moves. My personal favourite is, and always will be, the north. It's a little scungey, but it has character. We don't have half as many traffic problems as other areas of the city. It's flat which makes bike riding easy and you get value for money as far as housing goes. I love Melbourne's culture and the ease to get around. I love Melbourne's people; so diverse and carefree. I love Melbourne's food and coffee. All sorts of things.

If you're really that sick...GO HOME!

Do you have someone at your work who is constantly sick? Does this same person continue to come in to work and spread their germs around? Furthermore, does this same person go to painstaking lengths to quietly let everyone know how sick they are, and what a champion they are for turning up to work? Yes, I have mentioned this before, but quite honestly, even when I was a teacher, I was never as constantly sick as this person is. When you're sick, you're sick. Deal with it. Go to the chemist and buy whatever drugs you need to help alleviate the symptoms, and just go home. Don't spread your festy germs to everyone else. I have learned that a day off is worth it, because quite honesly, if you push yourself, you'll just have to end up taking 3 days off instead, and that doesn't benefit anyone does it. Miss R has taken this advice today. She's at home crook as a dog...with the dog. Speaking of the dog, OMG she is the smelliest bloody thing. It seems that when she is out in the park, every other dog within 5km wants to come and lick her face. Which is fine, except that she ends up looking like a porn star after a hard day at the office and smells like dog slobber. Oh lovely. Couple this with the fact that we haven't washed her in 3 weeks and you get a fair idea of what she must be smelling like. MMmmm, nice.

If I was still a teacher I would be on holidays right now, but since I'm not, then I'm at work. This doesn't bother so much as my job now is far less stressful and hectic, so the need for 12 weeks holiday a year is unwarranted in my opnion. However, yesterday, while I was playing pool and having a couple of beers in bar, watching the rain fall outside, I thought man, wouldn't it be nice to be on holidays right now. In all honesty, that is the only thing I really miss about teaching right now. I don't miss much else sadly enough. The other thing I was thinking last night is regarding how men are portrayed in advertisements these days. All too often we are portrayed as being bumbling idiots who don't know which brand of tampon to buy or which washing powder to use. And lo, the women in these same ads are portrayed as all knowing sages of the world. Oh big deal, at least we have a go you know? Don't see too many ads where you see woman trying to start a lawn mower, or going to Bunnings to buy a dozen 1/8" 125mm bolts. I should mention here that the AFL Grandfinal was played on Saturday. It wasn't that good a game to be honest, Geelong ended up winning by almost 20 goals. But, I am just glad that the team they beat were from Adelaide. You cop so much grief in Adelaide if you say you're from Victoria. What sort of small minded attitude is that? I was walking down Smith St yesterday and saw a great many Port Adelaide supporters here enjoying the factory outlet shops, and you know what? I bet none of them copped any flak from anyone.

Karma....or lack thereof....

I'm sure everyone out there has a week that they would rather forget. Mine happens to be this week. It's not like anything major has gone wrong, or bad happened, but just little niggly things that occur you know? The worst thing is there is no such thing as Karma for me. There is no payback for this shit, nothing phenomenally good ever really happens to me to make up for the incessant crap that life can sometimes throw up. I'm not a negative person, not at all, at least I don't think I am, but you would honestly think that there should be some kind of balancing out don't you think? Some kind of good fortune perhaps could find its way to me? Well no, nothing mind blowingly fortunate ever happens to me, or even Miss R for that matter. She reckons that we are just two people who are just gonna have to work and struggle in life as opposed to some other people out there who get everything given to them on a fricken silver platter. I'm not a bad person, which makes me question the existence of a fair and just god, so if ever I would need proof of this omnipotent being's presence it would be now...or in fact ever at all! Instead, nup, whenever I think I'm getting ahead it just shovels another load of shit in my general direction to deal with. Whatever I did in a previous life to live on this knife edge I am truly, truly sorry.

A home made whippet lure........

As a sighthound, whippets, as a rule, love chasing things. However, our little whippy tends to be a bit lazy and only run around when, and only when, she feels like it. Yesterday was a case in point; took her to the park, off the lead and everything, and all she wanted to do was walk around, sniff the grass, eat some poo and lie down. But there is always something I wanted to try out and that is to see if she'd chase something that moved quite fast. So, I tied a soft toy rabbit to the back of my bike and rode around while Miss R held Cleo in place. It was quite funny at first, she watched the bunny go and really didn't know what to do. Then, it was like a switch went off in her head and Miss R couldn't hold to her anymore. She ran, full throttle after the bunny. I rode as fast as I could, but she caught up very easily and grabbed the bunny, broke the string and ran off with it. Meanwhile, I had run out of space and promptly went arse up and the bike seat dug into my left thigh. I know it was my left thigh because I can barely walk on it today and the bruise looks quite nasty. Ouch. We repeated this about three times before poor Cleo collapsed from exhaustion. About time too as she hasn't really run like that for a week or so. She had a hard time of it on Sunday when we took her up to Miss R's parent's house where she was smothered by their two (massive) Golden Retrievers. She couldn't get away because there wasn't alot of space for her to run. Anyway, I'm quite happy that she'll chase a lure now so I can only hope that we can get her on a race track soon.

Football.

It is getting to the crunch time of year when the AFL finals hit. I'm not usually a big footy fan, my team, Carlton, has languished at the bottom of the ladder pretty much for the past 5 seasons. We're a joke and don't even get a mention in the Monday newspapers. This past weekend saw four teams battle it out for a place in this years grand final. I would've desperately liked to have seen two Melbourne clubs get in, but those ugly arrogant sad sacks from Port Adelaide got in against Geelong. At least one VIc club is in I guess. It will be even better if the cats absolutely trounce port and send them back with their tails between their legs. One other thing annoys me however. On Saturday night, a Kangaroos player by the name of Glenn Archer retired. The Herald-Sun ran a full back page picture of him saying goodbye. Oh boo hoo. The guy was a thug and football is better off without him.

You know you've made it when......

Yesterday was an extremely momentous day. I took delivery of my first ever batch of business cards. Yes, I now have business cards. In all my years of work I have never had them, but now I'll be able to deal them out willy nilly. How cool huh? I guess it's the little things, but to me it's a big deal. It was also a momentous day as we put our names forward to adopt a greyhound. It will be good for little cleo to have some doggy company. I spent some time at home yesterday tending to a bad bout of diarrheoa brought on by who knows what. Anyway, she was having a bit of a whimpering session and I don't know why. I was there, but I think she was just bored or something. She just loves running full tilt in the park, as I'm sure any other little whippet would as well. A greyhound would sort her out, give her a bit of competition and companionship maybe. Cleo is great with other dogs, she really is, so when we get the greyhound I'm sure she'll be happy as a pig in shit.

My own encyclopedia (or Wikipedia..) entries

Here are some ideas for entries for Britannica... MECHANICS: People who charge $850 for a $99 fixed price service. They also fix cars. TRICYCLE PRAMS: Used by fitness minded people to carry babies around in. These prams are in fact the SUV version of prams. New parents buy them do they can jog whilst pushing baby around and they also back over pedestrians while reversing. CUISINE, LEAN: Frozen meals that you buy at the supermarket. They are renowned for their low fat and calorie content, mainly due to the ridiculously small sized portions of food that you get. Their advertisements show a high profile sports star on the phone to their parent re-assuring them that they're looking after themselves. I guess so except she's probably stuffing the third Lean Cuisine down her throat before heading out for 10 pints of Guiness. CAREY, WAYNE: Football player for North Melbourne. Renowned for being a champion player by running around alot and not touching the football. Owes his success purely through the talking up of Bruce McAveny. Many teams have a Carey (See; HIRD, JAMES) - Oh, and he also screwed his team mate's wife. DOGS: Funny thing about dogs is that the bigger the breed, the dumber they are. Great Danes being a case in point. Conversely, the smaller the breed the smarter the dog which is why you often see Fox Terriers solving high level quantum physics. TELLYTUBBIES: 3 people in full size costumes jumping around in a land dreamed up by LSD. The TV show tries to convince children that the grass is blue and the sky is pink and the sun is, in fact, the head of a baby. Strangely enough, when the MAgella space probe flew by the sun it detected trace amounts of milk vomit and diarrhea. PHONES, MOBILE: 20 years ago they didn't exist. Now they do. Amazing. PLUMBERS: Invariably live in a suburb like Bayswater and earn over $200,000 a year. RHODES, JONTY: South African cricketer and 3 time undisputed winner of the Bryan Adams look-a-like competition. SHOPS, PAWN: Whenever anyone says that they're going to a pawn shop, people think they're saying they're going to a porn shop. This may explain the lack of an 18+ section at Cash Converters. IKEA: A Swedinsh furniture manufacturer. You have to assemble the furniture yourself because there is obviously no-one in Sweden smart enough to do it for you. Ikea furniture is also associated with gay men, which is crap really, because even gay men have taste. TUCKERBOX, DOG ON THE: This is a statue of a bronze kelpie sitting on a box just off the Hume Freeway near Gundagai. When you were growing up you had visions of this being 20m high that radiated the essence of all things Australian. The sad reality is that this is acyually about half the size of an actual dog and is surrounded by petrol stations selling dodgy souveneirs. BICYCLE: One has to congratulate the tenacity of the person who first balanced on a bicycle. The Tour de France just wouldn't be the same if it were held with carbon fibre, highly geared tricycles. PERTH: Capital city of Western Australia and claims that it is the most isolated city on earth. The fact that the nearest city is Adelaide says it all really. KNOCKOUT, IT'S A: A TV show of organised mayhem from the 1980s. Basically each state fielded a team of the most unfit, uncoordinated middle aged people they could find to stand on a pontoon in the middle of a wading pool. They splashed around a bit and Queensland always won. Oh the shame of it all. DENTISTS: The only funny thing about dentists is the joke about how you only ever go to them to get some money removed. CONCUR: A word that means 'Agree' which is not used much in modern language. The most memorable utterance of this word is in the movie 'The Day After' just before 5000 inter-continental ballistic missiles are launched towards mother Russia. The conversation was something like: "We should waste the commie bastards." "I concur." And blam, nuclear winter. IDOL, AUSTRALIAN: Reality TV show where Kyle Sandilands musical judgement is valued, which isn't very realistic is it? ELECTRICIANS: These people come around to your house to fix electronic appliances. The most typical scenario being a faulty washing machine. So you ring them up and they say that they'll be around tomorrow morning. So you end up sitting around all day waiting, and then all afternoon and they finally turn up 2 days later. If you had employees like that you would sack them. Now. LIBRARY, COMMUNITY: These are run by local councils and are generally of a weird, architecturally designed post-modern appearance. Some look like igloos, others like beach houses and still others can resemble the Sydney Opera House. Inside, colour schemes are generally a green or shades thereof to give the visitor that 'back to nature' feeling. All of these libraries have a core group of dedicated regulars. More often than not, men over 70 years of age who cough uncontrollably. Books are sorted into Adult Fiction, Adult non-fiction, Young adult fiction, Junior fiction, junior non-fiction, Reference, and sorting trolleys.

Zombie driving.....

This may happen to you, it may not, but sometimes, when you are driving somewhere you go every day, such as work, have you noticed that sometimes you completely zone out and realise that you don't know where that last 5km went or that last 10 minutes? Now fair enough, driving auto pilot style is common place I reckon. However, I have noticed lately I am doing the same thing on my bicycle. Particularly riding along St George's Road which is straight and flat and only interrupted by a few traffic lights. Not a great attitude to have, especially since I saw a guy get hit by a car which was negotiating one of the many vehicle cross overs. He was okay, probably zoned out and to be honest, I don't know how you can get hit if you are alert and watching the road properly. And, such it was to have an eventful ride home that I saw not only 1, but 2 people walking their respective whippets! They were all different as you would expect and I stopped at each to have a pat and talk to their owners.

The radio is tuned to what?

I think we all go through phases in our life governed by what the stereos in our cars are tuned to. My first car had am/fm and a cassesette player! Woo hoo! So, namely, I would set the radio on Triple J and have my mix tape handy whenever they (invariably) had a run of really crap music. This was pretty much how it stayed for the majority of my 20s. Once I got my present car, it had a CD Player. OMG, how technological and it could have pre-set stations, so the stations I had tuned in were Nova, Triple R, PBS, Triple M (for my bogan moments) and Triple J. However, because I had a CD player, the majority of the time my car was thumping along to some hard trance or whatever. This was my late20s early 30s phase I guess. But now? well, because I drive a company vehicle with quite a poverty spec stereo, I have found myself drawn to the AM dial. Yes, that's right, AM. In particular ABC News radio as they get direct feed from the BBC world service and it's riveting stuff. I'm finding myself entertained and engaged in the radio when I'm driving. I'm up to date on the world's current affairs and everything political. Am I showing my age? Will the next step be listening to shock jocks talkback radio? well, not for now. There was this one guy who I listened to in the mines in WA called HOward Sattler. OOooo, mr scare monger himself. It's funny, if it weren't for radio, him, and those like him, would be standing on a soap box in a park, spouting that the world was going to end and of moral decay, because some street urchin stole his bread. Oh boo hoo. This would be before the men would come strap a straight jacket on him and take him away. But instead he gets paid very well and is revered by everyone over 65 years of age. Talk about moral decay!

Some ponderings....

Over the past week, lets say since last Thursday, I have not done much exercise, in fact the last two days are the first two days in a row where I have ridden my bike to a from work, yet alone been to the gym. Add to this that I have eaten my own body weight in quite unhealthy (but lets face it, bloody yummy) foods. I have a penchant for hot dogs and danishes from a bakery on Smith St, donuts from the donut van at Preston Market (which are better and cheaper than Krispy Kremes), McDonalds, Hungry Jacks, Pizza, Ice Cream, toasted cheese sandwiches, copious amounts of chocolate and chocolate related products etc etc. One would have expected my weight to blow out. Alas, upon weighing myself last night at the gym, and much to the disgust of my gym buddy Mr S, I have lost 1.5kgs. Not that I am trying to lose weight, but why is it so? Why don't you see the people on The Biggest Loser tucking into a 6 for $4.00 bag of donuts from Preston Market one wonders?

Family

Like everyone else in this world I have a family, I didn't just appear on this planet and I didn't arise from some primorial soup. I have a mum and a dad and a sister. Yes, the perfect nuclear family. As a write this however, the three of them are on the other side of the planet in England. Mum and dad left a couple of days ago for three weeks to visit my sister who lives in London as well as my grandma and cousins and aunties and uncles. Yes, I am half English on my mum's side (and half Dutch on my dad's side). Not very exotic and terribly white. I would love to be there with them all, but luckily my sister is coming over in December for Christmas this year which is most awesome. I would love to write more today but I have wasted far too much time and have done not nearly as much work as I should. I'm feeling a tad guilty.

How to train a dog part 2....

I swear our whippet is untrainable. We had our first lesson with her on Sunday and all the otehr dogs can sit and lie on their mats, but not Cleo. I think she has ADD or something as she has the concentrations span of a gnat. She can eventually sit, but the amount of coaxing one has to do is incredible and sheer amount of doggy treats we have to give her in order to do ANYTHING is making her a bit fat, and well, there's nothing quite so ridiculous as a fat whippet. But, on the plus side she doesn't bark or yank on the lead like some of the other dogs. Even better is her saliva output, which compared to the slobbering cocker spaniel (or whatever dog abhorencey it was), is very minimal to say the least.

We live in the Melbourne suburb of Reservoir. It's not the flashest area of Melbourne I have to admit, but it's not the scummiest either. I was thinking today how funny it is that I have moved out here. I used to go to University not far from here and lived on campus and in all honesty it was a fricken blast. We used to go shopping at the local shopping centre called Northland, and now, 12 years later, I find myself doing that exact same thing. 12 years is a long time when you think about it but it doesn't seem all that long ago. Where did that 12 years go I wonder? Imagine not being able to remember anything? That's the question Miss R and I were asking ourselves last night when we were watching a movie called "Unknown White Male" about a guy who suddenly developed amnesia. It made me feel much more conscious of my existence and it was rather overwhelming I must say. Does your past shape your present? The guy in the movie was essentially a nice guy before the event and after the event - he didn't suddenly become a raving lunatic or psychopath. So I think that level of personality is innate within us, like in our hard wiring. It's fascinating stuff the brain.

Fridays

Of all the days of the week, I have learned to love Fridays. It's kind of strnge because when I was working in the miens there was no such thing as a 5 day a week job - it was work flat out for 12 hours a day for 2-3 weeks then take a week or two off (depending on the mine). It was okay for a time, but it pretty much split my life into two. I had two toothbrushes, one for site and one for Perth; I had two TVs, two guitars, two pairs of sneakers, two sets of clothes...the list was pretty much endless. But since becoming a teacher and now in the enviro field I find myself in now, the 5 day a week malarky is rubbing off on me. Fridays have a vibe about them that no other day of the week has. Everyone is happy. And now with the weather warming up there is a buzz in the air, an excitement that I just can't explain. Everyone wants to do a long lunch in an open air cafe on Friday and why wouldn't you? Do I miss the mining life? Nup. If it is something I have learned to appreciate in life and that is the creature comforts. There is nothing better than being to go home (to your OWN home) and watch telly in your OWN loungeroom at the end of the day. The only drawback is you have to cook your OWN dinner as well which is something I didn't have to do in the mines. Speaking of dinner, as I have mentioned previously, there is definietly no Indian or Thai takeaways in the general Reservoir area, which is a right royal pain. However, we are ridiculously well serviced with Souvlaki and pizza places or fish and chip shops. Not exactly brilliant cuiseine.

How to train a dog...part 1

Miss R and I went to the first of seven dog training session last night. It was without Cleo, so it was basically a theory lesson and stuff. We're being taught how to use the clicker method of training; that is click and clicker, give a treat. I'm guessing it expands on that quite a bit. If there is one thing our little whippet likes, and that is food. She scrounges and eats anything so that everyone else in the park thinks that we don't feed her! How embarrassing. Anyway, we tried a bit of the clicker last night when we got home and we were surprised to see that she didn't run away from the sound. The other thing of note is that the dog trainer brought in her greyhound for demonstration. From what I can gather, dogs come in 4 distinct sizes; tiny lap dogs, medium dogs (whippets, kelpies etc), large dogs (dobermans, german shepherds) and Gigantor size. This greyhound fit the gigantor size category. It was a towering dog and resembled a giraffe or one of those AT-AT walkers from Empire Strikes Back. If we get one we may need to also get a light truck in which to transport it as I doubt it'll fit in the car.

APEC

For some reason, as an Australian, I feel a little bit embarrassed. Take for excample the news last night when they had footage of Sydney Airport prior to dickhead backward hick US President Bush's arrival. All that we could muster was a single airport police car, sitting idol not doing, well, much at all. Compare this to dickhead's 750 person entourage! Why?? I'm surprised someone hasn't had a go at shooting him or blowing him up already. What do these people do? Obviously if I had an entourage that big I'd like at least one of them to wipe my arse. You get the feeling that there is an insane amount of hypocrisy with dickhead and our own dickead jnr. They spout democracy and christian values, yet they stifle free speech and protest and invade countries willy nilly. Honestly boys, what would Jesus do? Somehow the lines between democracy and dictatorship have become somewhat blurred of late.

Squeemish

For some reason, Miss R insists on me diagnosing her various pains and illnesses in the belief that I am a sage in all things medical. I'm not a doctor, but then I'm no dummy and I know that your stomach actually wraps around your heart and lies up in your rib cage and not in your 'tummy'. Last night for instance I had to perform some emergency surgery on her big toe that had become infected and I somehow managed to extract a piece of black guk. No problem, maybe I should turn my hand at brain surgery? However, after this, we went to visit a friend in hospital who had just had a baby. Problem is during our visit the poor baby had to have his testicles massaged as they weren't decended properly, and while this was going on the nurse was explaining all this to us. Nup, that was it for me, my head was going light and I could feel a fainting spell about to hit. It's amazing what effect simple words can have on a person. I think I could stomach seeing someone whose arm has been sawn off, but sitting and listening to someone explain; 1.The process by which an epidural is administered; and 2.Why a testicle doesn't decend properly, doesn't do much for my state of consciousness.

Australian idol #2 and my NECK ARGH!

The other thing I haven't mentioned about Australian Idol is that the presenters are, well, what can only be described as robots. The funniest thing to do is that when one is talking, have a look at the one that's not. You will see that the switch definitely is in the "off" position there. On another subject completely, I have pulled a muscle or something else in the side of my neck. The pain was so immense the other night that I couldn't sleep and had to resort to using some Panadeine Forte. I can't drive or do much else except sit and watch telly with my head turned slightly to the right. How exciting. It's getting better, so at least it isn't constant chronic pain that will never go away, but it really is amazing how much you use your neck muscles. I mean, like ALL the time. If it was my leg or arm, hey, I could choose not to use that particular limb, but the neck is a pretty important appendage, so to choose not to use it kinda isn't an option. AND I haven't the faintest idea how I did it, which is even more frustrating, 'cos like, if I did my ankle running a marathon that would hold some cred, but where is the masculinity in spraining a neck?

Australian Idol.....

When I lived in the UK back in 2003, i watched this show called "Stars in Their Eyes - Kids" and this 16 year old girl got up on stage and blew me away with a rendition of Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights. Kate Bush herself wrote and recorded this song when she was 18 and I am yet to see or hear an 18 year old even come close to emulating this talent. Updated film clip here Definitely not as raw as the original one she did in the red dress. However, I have always maintained that if someone on Australian Idol has a go at this song (and lets face it, likely fail) I'll probably pick up the phone and given them a vote. I'm sick of them all wanting to be like Christina Agulira as Kate Bush is another step above that American trash. Did you know that Kate Bush was the first to use a head microphone on stage specifically so she could perform Wuthering Heights live? So there you go!

One in a million

Today I did a risk assessment course to do with chemical exposure of different chemicals. Apparently, acceptable risk for the chances of incidence of cancer in chemical exposure is 1 in 1 million. There were also a few things that stuck out in my mind as 1 in a million chances of death: Smoking 1.4 cigarettes Drinking 0.5 litres of wine Eating 40 Tablespoons of Peanut butter Eating 27 chargrilled steaks Flying in a plane for 1000 miles One chest x-ray Drinking 30 cans of coke Riding a bike 16km Living for 50 years within 8km of a nuclear power plant..... How bizarre huh? The other thing I hate about doing courses like this is that you have to make small talk with the other participants. I used to find this as well when I was a teacher and I had to go to Professional Development courses and invariably I was the only teacher from my school. So I had to make small talk and listen to all these over zealous young graduates wax lyrical over their kids blah blah blah. And, surprise surprise, it's the same in this industry! Over zealous young grads big noting themselves over some big contaminated site, and me? Well, I just nod and be polite knowing in myself that their project is actually pretty crap and they have no idea that I know more than them. Anyway, I keep to myself, read a newspaper or call Miss R during the breaks, rather than stand around trying to juggle a cup of (awful) coffee and a muffin. At the end of the day, I don't really care who they are or whose arse they brown nose.

I don't think our little whippet is terribly well. She's been lethargic and not herself all weekend. I'm of the opinion that it has something to do with the sheer amount of poo she eats. Honestly, she eats so much of the stuff in the park, anyone would think that we starve her! So anyway, she's still asleep at 0830 in the morning when she is normally up and about and playing.

More about cars....

Today, I drove Miss R's car into work. Her car is a Peugeot too; a 205gti, which is regarded by many as the car that defined the genre of hot hathes. To tell you the truth, it's a fricken riot to drive as its steering and responsiveness is second to none. The one area it does fall down is the engine. She's done 225,000kms now, and is tired and lacks any real grunt further up the rev range unlike the gti6 which pulls all the way to red line. What I don't understand is that everyone says that the gti6 has comparable handling to the 205gti, but I find that the gti6 understeers terribly where the 205gti sticks like glue. Maybe it's the tires or the suspension set up, i dunno. Anyway, both cars are great cars, I won't deny that, but I guess in the future we'll be looking at replacing the 205gti with something else. I really like the look the look of the Ford Fiesta ST, the Honda Civic Type R or the new Renault ClioIII. All are cracking cars I think.

Diaries vs Blogs

During my mid-late 20s and even into my 30s I kept a diary, probably for about 6 years I think it was in the end. I don't know why I started to write one and so much has happened to me during the years. Sometimes I read what my entries and wonder what on earth it was I was thinking at the time. My diaries, I used to call them my books of "Love, Loss and Promise", sickeningly poetic I know, and they talked alot about girls and my day to day existence. Once I met Miss R 3.5 years ago, I stopped writing because I felt no need anymore. I had found my one and only and that was that. That still holds true, however, I have experienced so much life and love with Miss R that it is all undocumented and we sometimes have trouble trying to remember when things happened. Which brings me to why I'm writing a blog, which is kinda like a diary I guess, except anyone can read it and I can make entries at work that make it look like I'm doing work. So which is better, diary or blog? I have to say diary. Sorry to be a technophobe and all, but that's the way it goes.

Stupid bike riders

There's this portly middle aged cyclist who I sometimes see during my commute up and down St George's Road. I just want to mention right here that this guy is a first class, top shelf dickhead. The number of times I have nearly seen this guy get wiped out by cars because he is too impatient to wait for a green light. He then has the nerve to stick his finger up at drivers as if he has right of way! I really really wish this guy would get hit by a car so I can stand over him and just let him what an absolute tool he is. He's probably some super stressed merchant banker/stock broker who works in the city and is too arrogant to know better. Good on him, hope he's happy with life.

I'm just a little bit tired today. I've been fighting off a cold thanks to some Vicks First Defence which is holding its ground. I also had band practice last night and we fricken rocked hard last night. Even more was the fact that I am starting to come out of my shell as regards my singing. I really wish I could sing better than I do. I have this faint, croaking singing voice no thanks to my dad, whose voice I have inherited. Anyway, it's getting better as I gain more confidence, even our lead singer seems to think so. The other thing is that Miss R let Cleo sleep on the bed last night, which is okay if it's a lithe little cat, but Cleo is a 14kg whippet which upsets the nocturnal equilibrium that Miss R and I share. She really is such a lazy dog, it staggers belief. Everyone said that whipepts are couch potatoes and they weren't far wrong. Anyway, i'd rather that than having a yapping, hyperactive little dog going sik 24 hours a day.

bikes and dogs!

When I ride my bike, to and from work each day, it never ceases to amaze me how some cyclists are still alive. Honestly, every day I see at least one or two run red lights, nearly get hit by cars at roundabouts because hey, you gotta give way to the right dickhead, and generally think that they own the road. Me? Well, cars are bigger and it doesn't matter if they are in the wrong or not, a cyclist is gonna come off second best. It's a pity that some don't have this mentality. Then there are other who think that the commute is a stage of the tour de france. I hate these guys. The best way to get up their goat is to keep up with them when they fly past. I don't know why I hate them, probably because of their arrogance. I can keep up with them for the most part, but after a few minutes I back off. We're thinking of getting another dog. Probably not for a few months, but probably a rescue grey hound. Such beautiful dogs and honestly, I think Cleo needs a bit of competition because there are no other dogs in the park that can keep up with her, and she loves playing chasey. You can see it quite clearly that she eases off so other dogs can keep up with her. Can't wait to see her on the track though. Hopefully we'll get her on one soon.

Gym

I have been going to gyms pretty much ever since I was 18. Over the years I have been members at many gyms and I've gotta say that there are some commonalities in the clientele at these places. 1) Pretty boys - need I say more? Think that they're god's gift to the planet and strut around like a peacock and think they own the place, and chat to every girl that comes within a 10 metre radius, although they back down for.. 2) Crunchers - They throw weights around, grunt, moan and make all the noise they possibly can, then expect everyone else to pick up their weights after them. 3) Young blokes/beginners - Have a soft spot for these type as we were all there once, however, I have noticed lately that they go to the gym in packs, stand around talking, take up space and generally don't do much. 4) Gentle Giants - these are the fricken massive, older guys who don't need to show off or grunt and groan. They just get in, do their thing and split. 5) Flirty girls - Are pretty much the same boat as the Pretty boys, probably deserve each other, except flirty girls tease the pretty boys, then go home to their boyfriends. 6) Why bother - The why bothers come to the gym, stretch for a bit, might pedal on the excercise bike or something for 15 minutes, do some bicep curls with 1kg weights, then go home. 7) Alpha Males - A mixed group whose sole purpose in going to the gym is to socialise, yell across the gym, swear and puff their chests. Of course these are wild generalisations, and in all honesty, most people probably aren't in any of these catagories.

306 GTi6

Cars. I have found that throughout my life I have been cursed with car problems. My first car was a blue MAzda 626. Awesome car, I had it for nigh on 6 years I reckon. Got it resprayed, new engine the works, as one does with their first car their attached to. At the same time however, when I have too much money to burn, I purchased a 2nd hand Jaguar XJ12 saloon. Private import and I was seduced by the V12 engine. Alas, this was short lived and the car was a lemon that cost $2000 to service every 6 months, so it luckily went to a better place. But my little Mazda 626 kept going strong.....until it met its end in a front on collision with a Kingswood. What a shame, really it was. But, life moved on and I moved up to a lime green Mazda 929. Same engine pulling along a car twice the weight, so sluggish was putting it kindly! Electrical faults and a dodgy carburettor that no mechanic could ever fix plagued its existence on this planet. In the end though, I bit the bullet and got my present wheels. As I have mentioned previously, the car that I drive is a Peugeot 306 GTi6. Claimed by many to be the king of hot hatch backs, it never fails to put a smile on my face when I really give it some stick. Take for example last night. For some reason, that I just can't explain, she stuck to every corner like glue, I kept the revs up to around 3-4500, right in the band, powered through every corner and left a dumbstruck teenager in his daddy's BMW in my wake. Suck on that rich boy. Mind you, she hasn't come without a little heartache. Driveshafts, clutch cable, front suspension brakes and tyres are all de rigour for such a fine piece of machinery. She's practically eaten through a set of front tyres in 6 months, but I get them 2nd hand for $50 each, so not all that bad in the end.