Here are some ideas for entries for Britannica...
MECHANICS: People who charge $850 for a $99 fixed price service. They also fix cars.
TRICYCLE PRAMS: Used by fitness minded people to carry babies around in. These prams are in fact the SUV version of prams. New parents buy them do they can jog whilst pushing baby around and they also back over pedestrians while reversing.
CUISINE, LEAN: Frozen meals that you buy at the supermarket. They are renowned for their low fat and calorie content, mainly due to the ridiculously small sized portions of food that you get. Their advertisements show a high profile sports star on the phone to their parent re-assuring them that they're looking after themselves. I guess so except she's probably stuffing the third Lean Cuisine down her throat before heading out for 10 pints of Guiness.
CAREY, WAYNE: Football player for North Melbourne. Renowned for being a champion player by running around alot and not touching the football. Owes his success purely through the talking up of Bruce McAveny. Many teams have a Carey (See; HIRD, JAMES) - Oh, and he also screwed his team mate's wife.
DOGS: Funny thing about dogs is that the bigger the breed, the dumber they are. Great Danes being a case in point. Conversely, the smaller the breed the smarter the dog which is why you often see Fox Terriers solving high level quantum physics.
TELLYTUBBIES: 3 people in full size costumes jumping around in a land dreamed up by LSD. The TV show tries to convince children that the grass is blue and the sky is pink and the sun is, in fact, the head of a baby. Strangely enough, when the MAgella space probe flew by the sun it detected trace amounts of milk vomit and diarrhea.
PHONES, MOBILE: 20 years ago they didn't exist. Now they do. Amazing.
PLUMBERS: Invariably live in a suburb like Bayswater and earn over $200,000 a year.
RHODES, JONTY: South African cricketer and 3 time undisputed winner of the Bryan Adams look-a-like competition.
SHOPS, PAWN: Whenever anyone says that they're going to a pawn shop, people think they're saying they're going to a porn shop. This may explain the lack of an 18+ section at Cash Converters.
IKEA: A Swedinsh furniture manufacturer. You have to assemble the furniture yourself because there is obviously no-one in Sweden smart enough to do it for you. Ikea furniture is also associated with gay men, which is crap really, because even gay men have taste.
TUCKERBOX, DOG ON THE: This is a statue of a bronze kelpie sitting on a box just off the Hume Freeway near Gundagai. When you were growing up you had visions of this being 20m high that radiated the essence of all things Australian. The sad reality is that this is acyually about half the size of an actual dog and is surrounded by petrol stations selling dodgy souveneirs.
BICYCLE: One has to congratulate the tenacity of the person who first balanced on a bicycle. The Tour de France just wouldn't be the same if it were held with carbon fibre, highly geared tricycles.
PERTH: Capital city of Western Australia and claims that it is the most isolated city on earth. The fact that the nearest city is Adelaide says it all really.
KNOCKOUT, IT'S A: A TV show of organised mayhem from the 1980s. Basically each state fielded a team of the most unfit, uncoordinated middle aged people they could find to stand on a pontoon in the middle of a wading pool. They splashed around a bit and Queensland always won. Oh the shame of it all.
DENTISTS: The only funny thing about dentists is the joke about how you only ever go to them to get some money removed.
CONCUR: A word that means 'Agree' which is not used much in modern language. The most memorable utterance of this word is in the movie 'The Day After' just before 5000 inter-continental ballistic missiles are launched towards mother Russia. The conversation was something like:
"We should waste the commie bastards."
"I concur."
And blam, nuclear winter.
IDOL, AUSTRALIAN: Reality TV show where Kyle Sandilands musical judgement is valued, which isn't very realistic is it?
ELECTRICIANS: These people come around to your house to fix electronic appliances. The most typical scenario being a faulty washing machine. So you ring them up and they say that they'll be around tomorrow morning. So you end up sitting around all day waiting, and then all afternoon and they finally turn up 2 days later. If you had employees like that you would sack them. Now.
LIBRARY, COMMUNITY: These are run by local councils and are generally of a weird, architecturally designed post-modern appearance. Some look like igloos, others like beach houses and still others can resemble the Sydney Opera House. Inside, colour schemes are generally a green or shades thereof to give the visitor that 'back to nature' feeling. All of these libraries have a core group of dedicated regulars. More often than not, men over 70 years of age who cough uncontrollably. Books are sorted into Adult Fiction, Adult non-fiction, Young adult fiction, Junior fiction, junior non-fiction, Reference, and sorting trolleys. |
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